IT'S EQUIDISTANT BETWEEN LONDON AND NORWICH.

- ALAN PARTRIDGE.
- DAN MOODY.

(HEAVY ACCENT) IF THEY HAD PROPER JOBS,
THEY WOULDN'T BE UP TO ALL THIS LARKING.

- THIS ISN'T "SILENT WITNESS".
- HELLO.

IT'S NOT BEING DESTROYED.
THE CORRECT TERM IS PULPED.

SO IN THE END IT WAS TELEVISION THAT KILLED HIM.

- SORRY, SPLIDDING?
- YES. SPLIDDING, YOU KNOW.

HE'S BEING PURSUED BY A CYBERPUNK
FROM THE PAST, PLAYED BY RUTGER HAUER.

OUT POPS THE VAMPIRE...
COUNT DAVULA OF CLIFTONVANIA.

(DEEP VOLCE) YES.

NO.

TAKE HER OUT TO A LOCAL FORT OR VICTORIAN FOLLY.

- I'LL HAVE TO GET IT.
- HELLO?

YOU'RE SEXY.

- CHRIS?
- OH, ALAN.

OH, GOD, NO. I'M OLD ENOUGH TO BE HER FATHER.
WELL, HER OLDER BROTHER. EITHER WAY IT'S INCEST.

THAT'S BRILLIANT.

- I AM ALL YOURS!
- DO YOU MIND IF I TURN THE LIGHT OUT?