PARTRIDGE CLOUD
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HI, KIDS. IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK IN MY FINE OLD SCHOOL.
IF YOU TRIED TO HANG A HAWK,
THEY COULD ALWAYS HOVER SO THE ROPE WENT SLACK.
THEN HE SPIES THAT COOKBOOK
AND SAYS, "IT'D BE NAE USE TO ME"!
- WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- I WANTED TO TURN THE LIGHTS ON.
- MDF'S BANNED IN AMERICA.
- SO'S THAT.
WHEN WILL THEY LEARN?
MIND, SHE WAS SEXY. SHE WORE A G-STRAP.
- WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IS...
- I LOVE THIS.
RIGHT. I'VE GOT YOU
THAT "BAD SLAGS" BOOK YOU ASKED FOR.
- SORRY, SPLIDDING?
- YES. SPLIDDING, YOU KNOW.
YOU DON'T NEED BEAUTY SLEEP. WELL, FORTY WINKS.
IT'S DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND WHY YOU SAY SPLIDDING
THAT'S BOLLOCKS, BUT GO ON.
HE SAID, "YOU JAMMY BASTARD"
AND I REPLIED, "DON'T BE BLUE, PETER."
TELL YOU WHAT AMUSES ME, MICHAEL,
IS WHEN PEOPLE CRITICISE MY BOOK
- ARE YOU ALAN PARTRIDGE?
YES.
IN 1975, I WAS CATCHING THE LONDON TRAIN
FROM CREWE.
OK GO ON, THEN,
FIRST, ALAN WAS VERY SHY BEFORE WE MAKE LOVE.
HE WAS VERY SHY OF HIS BODY.
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