HI, KIDS. IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK IN MY FINE OLD SCHOOL.

IF YOU TRIED TO HANG A HAWK,
THEY COULD ALWAYS HOVER SO THE ROPE WENT SLACK.

THEN HE SPIES THAT COOKBOOK
AND SAYS, "IT'D BE NAE USE TO ME"!

- WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- I WANTED TO TURN THE LIGHTS ON.

- MDF'S BANNED IN AMERICA.
- SO'S THAT.

WHEN WILL THEY LEARN?
MIND, SHE WAS SEXY. SHE WORE A G-STRAP.

- WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IS...
- I LOVE THIS.

RIGHT. I'VE GOT YOU
THAT "BAD SLAGS" BOOK YOU ASKED FOR.

- SORRY, SPLIDDING?
- YES. SPLIDDING, YOU KNOW.

YOU DON'T NEED BEAUTY SLEEP. WELL, FORTY WINKS.

IT'S DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND WHY YOU SAY SPLIDDING

THAT'S BOLLOCKS, BUT GO ON.

HE SAID, "YOU JAMMY BASTARD"
AND I REPLIED, "DON'T BE BLUE, PETER."

TELL YOU WHAT AMUSES ME, MICHAEL,
IS WHEN PEOPLE CRITICISE MY BOOK

- ARE YOU ALAN PARTRIDGE?
YES.

IN 1975, I WAS CATCHING THE LONDON TRAIN
FROM CREWE.

OK GO ON, THEN,

FIRST, ALAN WAS VERY SHY BEFORE WE MAKE LOVE.
HE WAS VERY SHY OF HIS BODY.