ALAN, DID YOU SEND SOPHIE
A VALENTINE'S CARD THIS MORNING?

I HEARD HE HIT A PROSTITUTE.

LISTEN. I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT BEFORE.
YOU CAUGHT ME AT A BAD MOMENT.

HE PANICS AND GOES INTO THE HOUSE. SO I GET
THE 3OMM CANNON AND TAKE OUT THE FISH POND.

WHY DID YOU SAY I HAD PANIC ATTACKS?
YOU MADE IT SOUND LIKE I HAD A BREAKDOWN.

DOESN'T GET MUCH BETTER THAN THAT.

- VERY FUNNY STORY.
- YES, IT'S A FUNNY STORY.

IT JUST SAYS, "TO JED MAXWELL FROM ALAN".

NO, NO. "COOKING IN PRISON."

- IT WAS A BELTER! DID YOU HEAR IT?
- NO.

HOW CAN YOU SET FIRE TO YOUR HANDS?

- "A PARTRIDGE AMONGST THE PIGEONS."
- WHAT'S THAT?

A DAY UPON WHICH MR AL CAPONE

- HERE COMES SONJA.
- THE DINNER LADY.

YOU COULD SAY, "I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.
WE'VE RUN OUT OF LIFE JACKETS".

IDEA FOR A PROGRAMME,
"LADY SHAPES WITH ALAN PARTRIDGE".

MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE BANNED AFTER SOME OF
THOSE SHOCKING PRIZES YOU'VE GIVEN AWAY.

- CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?
- CERTAINLY. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?