AYE. I CAN HOLD IT UP TO MY MOUTH
LIKE A TANNOY...

YES. CAN YOU HOLD THESE?

IDEA FOR A PROGRAMME,
"LADY SHAPES WITH ALAN PARTRIDGE".

AYE, I DID HEAR ABOUT THIS CORPORAL, RIGHT.

WHO TORTURES YOU BY PUTTING YOUR HAIR
IN A FAX MACHINE AND PRESSING "SEND".

IT AMAZES ME WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT
AND IT'S ONLY

SLEEP WELL, MICHAEL.

THEY'RE SEX SWAPPERS!
THIS IS DEFCON ONE. LOOK.

TONY HAYERS.

- I BUY A PRESENT FOR ALAN. GUESS WHAT.
- A BEAR DRESSED AS A BEEFEATER.

- CAN I HAVE A GO ON THE LOO?
- OH! SORRY, YES.

- YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
- WHAT DO I OWE YOU?

PEOPLE WITH EYEBROWS ON THEIR CHEEKS...

IN WHICH CASE
I WON'T EVEN KNOW IT'S HAPPENED.

SO LET'S MAKE FRIENDS
SO I CAN BE ON MY WAY, PLEASE.

THIS HAS THE APPEARANCE OF A BULLET-PROOF VEST,

YOU COULD WORK ON THE TITANIC.